Impression Management, Authenticity, and the Courage to Be Specific

Impression Management, Authenticity, and the Courage to Be Specific

Impression management, in balance, is a healthy part of life.

At work, you manage your presentation to be a “good” co-worker. In balance, this simply means you are making an effort to fit into the culture of your workplace, to be social, and to be socially appropriate. At family get-togethers, and in all kinds of social gatherings, people use impression management to fit in, to keep the peace, or even to make a statement.

Like all behaviors, when impression management is used consciously, as a means of choice, and hopefully in a balanced fashion with some integrity — both personal integrity and social integrity — it is part of the skill set of being a mature, functional human participating in your culture, your society, your workplace.

Impression management has not only been around forever, but it has also been used for power, money, prestige, and survival from the beginning of time. Leaders, mistresses, gigolos, performers, politicians, and public figures have used their looks, words, and behaviors to influence others, gain recognition, and accumulate material gains and wealth.

So when is impression management out of balance or destructive?

For the most part, that is a subjective decision, and sometimes societal pressures influence those decisions. But in the age of social media and “social influencers” — sigh — impression management is now not just for the few. It has become the norm rather than the exception. Aside from “looks,” impression management includes projecting behaviors to manipulate people’s reactions to you. It includes carefully selecting what you say, how you say it, and when you say nothing at all in order to control, or try to control, how people perceive you.

Out of balance, you use impression management to also manage how you perceive yourself. It becomes a form of self-deception. You start to believe your own stories.

People also use impression management to suppress, deny, or manage their internal feelings. Not the best choice as a coping mechanism.

Impression management has become so much the norm, so much the expected behavior, that to be authentic is now often seen as inconsistent behavior. When you are focused on being authentic, you are not micro-managing every action, behavior, word, and presentation in order to constantly maintain a chosen projected image.

Most people are no longer even aware of their impression management choices, because it has become so normalized. So for people who are seeking a deeper, more authentic life, the habits of impression management are a huge obstacle. It takes a huge effort just to begin to recognize that you are doing it in almost all of your everyday choices.

Where Impression Management Blocks Real Work

People seeking a more awakened, authentic, enlightened life often find themselves working with spiritual teachers, healers, counselors, therapists, or guides. And this is exactly where you do not want to implement impression management.

Here, you want to show up as your authentic self in order to grow. But breaking through your habitual wall of impression management can be a challenge. Many people these days throw around the expression “shaming” — victim shaming, fat shaming, body shaming, and so on — when they are asked to show up authentically by a healer, teacher, or counselor.

The accusation of “shaming” is often used to chase off the pursuit of honesty and authenticity, both of which require brave vulnerability. When someone accuses a teacher, healer, or counselor of shaming them, one usually needs to back off, because this is an aggressive and protective boundary. The healing journey will then have to restart at a much slower pace. In fact, if you accuse someone of shaming you, I would suggest that you work with someone else, because this usually indicates a lack of trust and an inability to feel safe with your chosen healer or teacher.

The reality about “shaming” is that one cannot possibly be shamed unless shame is already there. You already have shame, which means it can get poked or agitated by the comments of others with little to no warning. If someone tells you that you are a mean, self-centered person, and you know for sure that you are not that person, you will either laugh, think the person is ridiculous, or walk away. If, however, you do indeed feel somewhere inside that you are mean and self-centered, you may react with anger and accuse the person of attacking you or shaming you. Because “shaming” is now a “thing,” and victimhood has become a social media industry, you may have a hard time finding people who can help you if what you are looking for is deep healing in the search for authenticity and awakening.

Character Disturbance and the Refusal to Be Specific

Sadly, many people are now experts at impression management to the point of character disturbance. In a more extreme version, this becomes a character disorder. Read the work of Dr. George Simon if you are interested in this topic.

Character disturbance behavior means, in part, that a person is unable or unwilling to “turn off” impression management — even when seeking help from a therapist or teacher, even when buried in deep depression or anxiety.

Most psychologists, and definitely many uneducated New Age “healers,” are unaware of the predominance of this relatively new cultural norm. Many are uneducated in how to identify and get through the barrier of character disturbance and impression management mechanisms. Again, refer to Dr. Simon’s work for a more thorough education on these topics.

So how does a good teacher, therapist, or healer work with character disturbances, impression management, and the fear of being accused of shaming? First, with courage. The courage to seek out the truth of people’s stories by examining their choices and behaviors instead of simply buying the stories told by students or clients. Working with neurosis implies that the person has a concern for the well-being of society and the people around them. When working with forms of neurosis, one examines feelings: guilt, remorse, anxiety, fear of not doing enough, fear of not being a good person.

Character-disturbed people, versus neurotic people, have often learned the language of caring. They have learned it through the culture, pop psychology, therapy language, spiritual language, and social media. But an examination of their choices, behaviors, and actions may reveal that their feelings are only for themselves: how they are being perceived by others, how they can get what they want, and how they can avoid being held accountable. It is a form of narcissism.

In a culture of narcissistic character disturbance, what needs to be corrected are behaviors, actions, and the thinking behind the choices driving those actions. 

Narcissistic people abhor being held accountable. They will often verbally attack people who ask specific questions or ask them to examine their actual behaviors.

One common strategy is DARVO.

• The person being confronted Denies that the harm, abuse, manipulation, or lack of responsibility ever took place.

• When confronted with evidence, the person then Attacks the person holding them accountable.

• Finally, the person claims that they were, or are, actually the victim because you are “shaming” them. This reverses the positions of Victim and Offender — often with crying, rage, or a temper tantrum.

Evidence, Not Just Feelings

When working with someone who cannot get past their impression management, a good teacher or counselor will look for the truth through evidence, not just feelings.  But with the fear of being labeled “shaming,” many therapists will talk about thoughts and feelings, but they do not sufficiently confront behaviors and choices.

To do deep work as a student or client, you will have to be willing to move past impression management and narcissistic tendencies. 

Many people go to a cool New Age type person, rather than a therapist or a real teacher, to get validated as “special,” “cool,” “psychic,” “gifted,” or “highly evolved.” Their impression management behaviors dominate the sessions. They will jump on the “shaming” or DARVO wagon the moment they are asked to talk specifics, answer direct questions, or examine actual actions, behaviors, choices, and thinking. But these are exactly the things you must talk about and face in order to change.

Getting specific means you will have to risk vulnerability. You will have to expose yourself to your teacher, but most uncomfortably, to yourself. You will also have to be willing to feel healthy shame about some of your choices and thoughts. Do you have the courage to answer specific questions? Most people don’t these days. They would rather have a good narrative, a story full of drama, or look at entities “causing” problems, or use their “chart” to explain away their life choices.

Most important of all, you have to be willing to make behavioral changes. You have to take action, not just talk, in spite of your feelings. Everyone has uncomfortable feelings — fear, anxiety, nervousness, sadness — when they make actual changes.

This Is Not Just Psychology. It Is Spiritual Work.

Although this sounds like psychology, this is also a building block of spirituality. You chose your life, your incarnation. These days, people are heavily invested in the “why”: the narratives, the explanations, the story of their life. Listen to the “amazing” stories of New Age people; they usually have more than one. Then look at their actual life. Look at their body, their psyche, their actions, their behaviors.

Why you came here was already discussed when you planned this incarnation. The fascination with the “why,” now that you are incarnated, is often a way to avoid your actual work and your uncomfortable feelings. It can also be used as a way to justify bad choices. You already know the why. You planned it all out. And you are meant to leave that alone now that you are here.

You need to focus on how you are going to carry out the why, the reason, the purpose that you planned for this life. The how is not so much about how you feel. How you feel is important for you to notice and respond to so that you can provide yourself with good self-care as you take on the “hows” of this life. 

But the question is not only, “Why am I here?” The real question is: How am I going to be a good person? How am I going to be a good parent, mate, friend, co-worker, boss, student, teacher, or human being? How do I make good choices? How do I notice and work with my feelings about my choices, my actions, my behaviors, and my self-care?

That is the work of this lifetime.

The Good Student Mask

People come in for help, and their impression management habits — their behavioral addictions — get in the way. They want to present as a “good student,” a Buddhist, a loving yoga person, a spiritual person with no temper and endless unconditional love.

Some people desperately feel the need to get the approval, “love,” or attention of their teacher, so they present their best behavior and are unable to simply be honest and authentic. This can slow progress down, sometimes for many years, until they can handle the vulnerability of simply being themselves.

Most people coming for help do not yet even know the real person inside of them. This is why I suggest, so many times, that you track your behaviors on a daily basis. Notice what is working and what is not working by being specific. Only with specifics can you become mindful and self-aware enough to tackle your soul evolution. Only with specifics can you choose to take specific actions to change your behaviors and affect your thinking and feelings.

If you are working deeply with a teacher, therapist, healer, or counselor, you can bring your very specific mindful awareness into that work if you start to track your actions, your behaviors, and your choices. When you bring specifics into your work on your Self and your Soul Evolution, you eliminate arguments and defensiveness because you are working with evidence instead of denials and narratives.

When you work with specifics, you have a better chance of developing healthy shame, which is part of self-respect. You also have a better chance of identifying and healing toxic shame.

If this topic grabs your attention, I hope you will look into it more.

Journey On,Dr. Marie