Passive Aggressive People are still a challenge for me

I want to talk about something that is still extremely uncomfortable for me: passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not a clinical psychologist, so please don’t take anything I say here as a diagnosis. I’m an educator and teacher with a PhD in health psychology, and I have decades of personal and professional experience, but I am not a clinician. I want to keep that distinction very clear. What I’m talking about is a pattern of behavior I have encountered repeatedly—and one I am still learning how to recognize and handle.

I learned about passive-aggressive behavior, sadly, through my relationship—of sorts—with my stepfather, who in his old age wanted me to become responsible for his future happiness. Fortunately, I had a friend who said, “Let me help you through this, because I am a recovering passive-aggressive person.” What a gift that was.

Many people do not recognize passive-aggressive behavior in themselves, but this man did. He predicted my stepfather’s moves one by one. He would say, “Now he’s going to do this. You wait and see.” Sure enough, my stepfather would do exactly what my friend predicted. That education helped me understand that passive aggression is often habitual rather than fully conscious. A person may simply be repeating what they learned to do in their family. It can be similar to alcoholism or codependency: until something breaks through the denial, the person may have no idea that they are stuck in a pattern controlling many of their decisions.

The short version of passive-aggressive behavior is this: someone decides, inside the privacy of their own mind, what another person has done to them. They don’t ask for clarification. They don’t say, “When you did that, I felt hurt. Are you angry with me?” They don’t ask, “Did I say something that offended you?” Instead, they interpret the event alone, reach a conclusion alone, and then begin expressing their anger, hurt or displeasure through behavior.

The cold shoulder appears. The atmosphere changes, and if you are sensitive, you can feel the anger or rage humming just below the surface. The person becomes distant, withholds ordinary warmth or stops answering questions. They may attack you in public, where they are protected from actual personal contact and communication. They may turn away, exclude you or make sideways comments designed to let you—and the people around you—know that you have done something wrong to them, while still refusing to tell you what it was. Or perhaps they finally blow up at you, but they do it in public, where there is no real opportunity for conversation, connection or curiosity. There is no interest in directly addressing the issue or talking honestly about the emotions involved.

Sometimes the person being targeted doesn’t even realize that anything has happened. Perhaps the passive-aggressive person mentioned a book and didn’t receive the response they expected. Perhaps you made a face during a workshop, and they interpreted it as criticism. Perhaps you failed to notice a subtle cue they believed should have been obvious. Perhaps you didn’t give them the amount or type of attention they felt they deserved from you—but, of course, they never told you what they wanted or talked to you about how they felt. Rather than asking a question, they begin broadcasting anger and expect you to pick it up. They may also expect you to take responsibility for handling an emotional conflict they haven’t communicated.

When someone believes that a “special” person in their life, such as a teacher or healer, has failed to receive their unspoken message, you can often count on the escalation of reactive behavior. Eventually, you notice that they are angry, hurt, rejected or threatened in some way, although they still don’t tell you what is happening inside their mind. Since they aren’t communicating—and in my case, unless it is a formal session, I have a boundary about using psychic work to do someone else’s work for them—a healthy response is usually to give the person some space. But that space may then become another item in the case being built against you. Later comes an accusation: “You were unkind. You ignored me. You treated me badly.” Often, after delivering the accusation, the person refuses to have an actual conversation about what happened.

In the past, before doing my own recovery work, I would bend over backwards, apologize and do almost anything to restore the relationship. I assumed I must have done something terribly wrong without realizing it. I would take responsibility, make amends and attempt to repair everything—while the other person took little or no responsibility for refusing to communicate in the first place. Recovery work and Parts Work have taught me to place responsibility where it belongs: on the person who has something to communicate but is choosing to act it out instead of using their words.

One of the most useful things I now do is ask direct questions. They don’t have to be confrontational. I might simply ask, “Are you angry right now?” or “How are you feeling?” Then I watch how the person responds. If someone consistently lies, dodges, attacks me for asking or refuses to talk honestly, that is an important red flag. It tells me there may be no way to solve a problem with that person through ordinary communication. The only alternative would be for me to psychically "tune in,"  take care of all their feelings and repair the entire situation while they avoid taking responsibility for doing their own work. But I have a boundary about doing that. It's not healthy for me.

What I often do now is back away and see whether the person eventually takes any initiative or responsibility. Years ago, I had a blowup with a nephew. We didn’t speak for a while, but when we finally talked again and I mentioned what had happened, he immediately acknowledged his part in it. He talked about what he had needed to work on, and he apologized. That was enough for me. He initiated the conversation, he wanted nothing from me, and I had seen him change his behavior in the past.

His words had substance behind them. That is very different from someone saying all the correct words because they have learned what an apology is supposed to sound like. When I am relating to someone whose behavior has changed very little—or whose behavior I have watched worsen over the years—I may listen politely to an apology while recognizing that nothing has fundamentally changed. An apology without a change in behavior is not necessarily evidence of any accountability or change.

Passive-aggressive behavior is controlling. It uses behavior to try to control another person’s response instead of relying on direct communication. People who rely on this pattern may also become excellent at reading energy, behavior and microexpressions. They notice the look on your face and instantly adjust their story in an attempt to make the situation go their way.

On the other hand, after a misunderstanding, a healthy person may need some time to settle down, but eventually they want to know what happened from your perspective. They can say, “This is what I experienced. What was happening for you?” They are willing to approach the conversation with curiosity, compassion, accountability and perhaps even humor. They can discover that they misunderstood you without collapsing, attacking or creating a new grievance.

Another healthy sign is the ability to tolerate disagreement. You can say, “I don’t think that’s true for me. My experience was a little different.” The other person responds, “Really? What was your experience?” That is healthy curiosity—a willingness to learn rather than a sudden chill, a forced joke or an abrupt change of subject with anger vibrating underneath it. The two of you can remain interested in each other even when you don’t agree.

If you are in a relationship with someone who repeatedly punishes you through silence, withdrawal, insinuation or unexplained hostility—and you cannot simply walk away because you share children, money or a home—I encourage you to seek outside support. A good therapist or a group such as Al-Anon may help you see the pattern more clearly and stop carrying responsibility for the entire relationship. Read books or listen to podcasts about controlling and passive-aggressive behavior.

Most of all, check in with yourself and your own behavior. Are you asking questions, or making assumptions? Are you communicating your feelings, or expecting another person to figure them out? Are you taking responsibility for your part without accepting responsibility for everything? This is something I had to learn to recognize and practice healthy responses and boundaries. And it is still a work in progress for me.

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