When helping becomes performance
When Helping Becomes Performance
How communal narcissism turns service into a stage
By Dr. Marie Feuer
I recently heard someone describe communal narcissism with an example that stayed with me: spending ten thousand dollars on a gala to raise one thousand dollars for the charity. That hurt, because I have seen versions of it for decades, especially in spiritual and New Age communities. The setting is beautiful. The language is elevated. The people involved are praised for their generosity, healing gifts, or devotion to a cause. Yet surprisingly little of the money, energy, or attention may reach the people supposedly being served.
Communal narcissism is not simply helping others and feeling good about it. Most of us feel good when we do something useful. It begins when a person needs to be seen as unusually generous, spiritual, compassionate, or selfless. The helping becomes inseparable from the audience. The cause becomes a stage.
Who is the project really serving
Not long ago, I visited an extraordinarily beautiful property intended as a place where music could help people heal, recover, and expand. It had been restored with inherited money. There were custom stained glass windows, wood floors, a grand piano, and coordinated decor everywhere. The building and restoration must have cost millions. I could appreciate the beauty. At the same time, I kept thinking about what even a fraction of that money could have done in a different form. Imagine a van filled with musical instruments, laptops, and tablets bringing music sessions into community centers. Think of how many people, especially after COVID, could have been reached where they already lived.
The uncomfortable question is this: Was the project organized around the people who needed help, or around the benefactor's dream of owning and restoring a magnificent place? Sometimes it may be both. Human motives are rarely pure, and they do not need to be. But if we are serious about service, we should be willing to ask which purpose is actually driving the decisions.
There is nothing inherently wrong with inheriting money, being supported by a spouse, creating a beautiful space, or wanting meaningful work. The problem arises when the financial structure disappears from the story and the person is presented as a heroic healer or visionary. A spiritual identity can become a way to feel important and as a tool to avoid the inner work that makes us important to our self.
The darker side of public goodness
I have seen a more disturbing form of this dynamic in animal rescue. I have personally known horse rescues whose public image was urgent, emotional, and heroic. There were live videos from auctions, dramatic appeals, and pressure to send money immediately to save a particular horse. The atmosphere resembled multilevel marketing: act now, do not stop to think, and prove that you care. Behind the presentation, some animals were not receiving adequate food, water, or medical care. The rescue identity supported the operators' lifestyle while the community adored them for saving horses. On camera, everything looked polished. Off camera, the reality was very different.
This is communal narcissism with a malignant edge. The vulnerable beings supposedly being served become props in somebody else's identity. The same basic pattern can appear in yoga studios, spiritual centers, churches, charities, and healing communities. I am sure good work is done in many of these places. The problem begins when the leader's actual life is concealed to keep the polished image intact. The teacher may be suffering, struggling, or deeply unhappy, but the community is shown only serenity, beauty, success, and certainty. Followers then look at that flawless presentation and ask themselves, "What is wrong with me? I am doing the yoga. I am following the practices. Why am I not doing as well as this person appears to be doing?" The concealed reality makes other people feel defective. A community that claims to support healing can quietly make its members feel crazier.
When empathy means removing consequences
Communal narcissism also survives by making questions feel cruel. If you challenge the story or expect an adult to be responsible and accountable, you may be accused of lacking empathy. At one workshop, a woman appeared without registering, prepaying, or contacting anyone. The workshop was full. When I told her she could not come in, she kept moving toward the door as though my answer did not matter. I continued to say no. I was then accused of having no empathy. What was missing was any acknowledgment from her: "I am sorry. I misunderstood. I should have called. I came without registering, and that created a problem." She tried to use a manipulative comment about empathy as a way to remove the consequences of her decisions and behaviors. This is a common tool used to try and make another person responsible for your decisions, or to try and “get your way” no matter what.
For many years, I attended Adult Children of Alcoholics and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families meetings. One of the most valuable things I learned was to take my own inventory. That means becoming accountable for my actions, choices, feelings, and life. It is not victim blaming or self-attack. It is one of the ways we grow. But I also learned something more difficult. When I named my part in a conflict, some people used my self-examination as an excuse to avoid examining themselves. Now both of us were discussing what I had done, and analyzing my actions as the problem or as “wrong” while the other person's participation and responsibilities disappeared. Healthy accountability requires everyone involved to take an inventory. Compassion does not require pretending that one person has no responsibility for their choices.
You can serve without building a stage
Not every good act needs to become content. Not every healer needs an exquisite office. Not every spiritual person needs a public identity. You can be what I call a spiritual secret agent. Whatever your job is, you can help people from there. You may not receive compliments about your clothes, your building, your decor, or your event. You may never be photographed handing someone a blanket. But someone may quietly hug you and say, "Thank you. You helped save my life." You gain practice. You develop actual skill. You become useful.
I am not saying that galas, beautiful centers, publicity, or photographs are automatically wrong. Some people genuinely enjoy creating glamorous events, and those events may raise money for a worthwhile cause. Fine. Own it. Say, "I love creating this experience, and some of the proceeds will support this charity." Then everyone can decide whether they want to participate. The problem is the false story: presenting something as pure, selfless service when most of the energy supports status, pleasure, image, or the need to be admired.
Before praising a project because it looks compassionate, ask who is truly being served. Before surrendering your judgment to a polished spiritual leader, remember that a human being exists behind the presentation. And before photographing yourself helping someone vulnerable, ask whether the photograph serves that person or you. Give the blanket. Help the person. Do the work. You do not always need the photograph.
A place for honest examination
If this raises uncomfortable questions about the roles, stories, or spiritual communities shaping your life, you might consider working with me. I offer a free 30-minute Zoom introduction where we can look honestly at what is happening without hype, shame, or pressure.
Life Path Healings
Want an easy way to connect with Dr. Marie?
Would you like to connect with me in a more casual and affordable way before booking a private session? Ask Dr. Marie — Life Path Healings gives you the opportunity to submit one personal question each month and receive a specific video answer—not generic, one-size-fits-all advice. You can also learn from the questions other paid members bring.
Membership is $10 a month.
Comments